Monday, November 2, 2015

A list of things I wish women's magazines would publish

You don’t need to get your clothes tailored. No one needs to get their clothes tailored.

No one gives a damn if you have a signature cocktail at your party. Literally no one. Buy seven more bottles of wine and don’t worry about it.

It’s totally fine to buy most of your wardrobe from Forever 21 and when people ask about it, just say you bought it at Zara.

An article about elastic waists. My body doesn’t want to wear denim. I know bootcut jeans are in this fall, but I want to be swaddled like a little burrito into some leggings.

Forget about burpies. I know, I know, we need more activity not less. Get out on the dance floor. Walk back and forth in front of your ex’s house. Squat over public toilets. Those all count.

A story about a celebrity that doesn’t have a stunning millionaire woman telling us how to love ourselves. I know Cameron Diaz wants me to embrace my body – she wrote a book about that for heaven’s sake! – but she also married a man from Good Charlotte who now has a skull tattoo. I don’t really feel like she’s the authority on self-love.

Everyone has to shave their toe hairs. You’re lying if you don’t have to.

Speaking of, I wish women’s magazines would do a nice tutorial of how to shave. I feel like I never really got the hang of it.

In the career section: I want to hear from, like, a tollbooth operator. Why is it just journalists, CEOs and occasionally a congresswoman? I want to hear about what it’s like to be a waitress or a board game designer. I’m never, after all, going to get a job where I wear a pantsuit.

Movies to watch without your boyfriend.

No more easy hairstyle ideas. Look, we are all trying to figure out how to not look like our hair is just a pile of garbage that got caught in a salad spinner. But vague four-step directions that apparently lead to a messy fishtail braid are not the answer. Everyone’s hair is way too different anyway.


I wish women’s magazines would get a new set of body types. It’s usually boyish, apple, pear or curvy – none of which fit me. And why fruit? Let’s get some real body types out there, like I Want to Hide My Arms or Help Me Disguise My Flat Ass or I Don’t Want to Suck In All Day, What Should I Wear?

Ways to blow your own mind in bed.

Speaking of bodies, I’m frankly tired of women’s magazines asking super hot people about their favorite feature. If you aren’t going to answer “my brain” you at least ought to subvert things a little with “my cellulite” or “my stretch marks”. Come on! Men’s magazines aren’t asking men about their favorite body part (though to be fair, it would always be his dick).

Recently, Oprah’s magazine suggested that crop tops are only for those people with a flat stomach. Which is complete bullshit on a lot of levels, but I would just love to see a magazine go balls-out and publish photos of women wearing whatever the hell they want.

Articles that don’t consult men on what is sexy. At all.

One issue – one single issue – of a magazine that doesn’t include the advice that indulging in a little dark chocolate is OK. I’d adore an article that just said: “Go for it girl, eat the whole pan of lasagne. We aren’t even concerned if you earned it or not! You don’t ‘earn’ calories. You’re a grown adult! Live your truth and buy two pretzels from the mall.”

Don’t text him. Just that. Just that line. We all need it sometimes.

Who fucking cares what boys think about rompers? Wear one on your first date. Wear one on every date until you die. Make your wedding dress a romper. Get him to wear rompers! Who cares what boys think about clothes!


An article about how to let boys down. It seems like this doesn’t come up in magazines, as if no woman would ever want to let go of a potential dating partner. But, um, we do sometimes.

Just some good, well-written stories about womanhood. Not excerpts from romance novels, but the real stuff – the hard, real life, “miscarriage while my best friend is having twins” kind of stuff. The “I was a cleaning lady for 12 years” stories.

For that matter, book suggestions that aren’t beach reads. Also, stop calling everything that has to do with women a beach read.

A recipe where I have actually heard of every ingredient.

A whole article tellings us what women find sexy. Not “how to attract anyone”, just how to divine pleasure from sex that isn’t just “put a pillow under your butt while he has sex with you in missionary for the fourth time this week.”

By the way – no more sex moves articles. Seriously, there’s just four of them anyway. There’s missionary when you’re boring. Girl on top when you’re trying to enjoy sex. Doggy-style when you don’t want to face your mistakes. And variations of the above for when you’re trying to be A Fun Person.

A day of meal plans, but it’s just popcorn the whole day. With different flavors.

A letter from the editor that includes nothing about meeting a celebrity and a busy schedule that’s mostly just going to functions and getting hair and makeup done while emailing.

A letter from the editor that seems heartfelt or necessary.

Even a funny letter from the editor would work.

Also, we don’t care about your “signature”. We know you didn’t sign every single magazine.

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